I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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