I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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