Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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