This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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