We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
