Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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