Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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