So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
