well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
