My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
