Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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