Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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