Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
