Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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