All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
