i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
