Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
