Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
