I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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