i just wanna soil my oats bro
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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