dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
