it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
