I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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