i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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