Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
