YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
