My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
