I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
21 Times Karma Showed These People Not to Mess Around
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.