Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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