I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
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I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
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I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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