if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
