Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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