I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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