you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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