i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
