Your face is a jimmy john
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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