My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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