made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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