Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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