seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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