Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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