I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
