Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
