If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
