I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
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I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
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I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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