I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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