he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
