I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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