last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
