Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
