After last night, I could never be a politician.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
