and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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