Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
