Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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