Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
