When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
smell my finger.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
