Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
