I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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