If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Never joke about your clitoris.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
