I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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