I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
