i would punch a child for taco bell
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
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He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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