the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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