Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we're making bets on your personal life
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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